Over the past few years, I have experienced some pretty significant life changes. Transitions maybe is a better word than changes, but ultimately I have had a fair share of them. The two most significant changes have been as a parent as well as moving to a new state.

Being a parent is a wonderful experience. Raising and watching your creations turn into real people is a magical and a mostly indescribable process. Teaching your children how to be adults is both scary and immensely satisfying at the same time. The problem is when they finally become adults. This is the hardest change of them all. One day they are holding your hand in the store looking up to you in every possible way and the next day you are moving them into their own new home that isn’t part of yours. They still need you in many ways, most of them financial, but it’s all very different once they’ve moved out. Empty nesting is the term used to describe it and it comes with many challenges.

Being an empty nester doesn’t mean they don’t still need you to get through life, they just need you less and the problems are no longer as simple as what’s for dinner, or giving them a ride to a friends house for a sleepover. Now the problems involve real grown up type issues, and we all know grown up issues typically suck. The hardest part of this stage in life as a parent is letting go. Letting them go be their own person and find their own way out in the world is so hard to do. Basically, you have to let them fail. You have to let go of trying to control every aspect of their lives because if you don’t, they will never learn how to handle life’s curveballs on their own. You can always offer advice or suggest what they should do, but you have to let them do it for themselves. It is incredibly difficult to see your child struggle or get harshly challenged by life itself, especially when there is simply nothing you can do about it. You can’t always be of help to them no matter how badly you want to do so, you have to let them figure things out.

Just over a year ago, my wife and I moved to Michigan from Florida. Your initial reaction might be “why the hell would you do that, you’re going the wrong way” but we did it anyway. I actually like 4 seasons and the differences they bring. My wife is from here and she wanted to return to where she grew up and I thought it sounded like a solid adventure. I lived in Florida for over 30 years and I was ready for something different. I was ready for some colder weather for a few months a year. Sure, I lived in NY until I was 12, but I was still a kid and therefore the seasons didn’t mean much to me. Now I have a greater understanding of how they affect you emotionally, physically, and financially. I also prefer the politics in Michigan to what we had in Florida. That’s another story though.

The major added challenge to this drastic change in my own life is the distance I would be putting between myself and our children. Both my 2 kids and my wife’s son still live in Florida. This has been harder on us than imagined for all the reasons you can immediately think of. Holidays are especially tougher because we don’t live a realistically drivable distance apart, you really have to fly to see each other. Flying during any holiday time is a complete shit show and always very costly. On top of that, those things I mentioned earlier about life throwing them curveballs, we’re really not in any sort of position to help them out. We’re not well off financially, so when things do happen, I’m mostly unable to send them much, if anything. Getting used to or accepting that has been very difficult. The parental guilt I feel sometimes can be very hard at times.

However, this is just a part of life you never really get prepared for. There are no classes about how to be an “old” parent, just baby classes for “new” parents. I’m sure books exist about how to be an empty nester, but every situation is so uniquely different that they can’t possibly sufficiently prepare you for the emotional challenge of letting them go.

I remember when I moved out of my parents house for the last time. It was exciting and scary all at the same time. I had no idea what they were experiencing internally until now. My parents weren’t well off financially either, so I would have to fend for myself. I certainly struggled, but I was able to get by. I had some very lucky opportunities come my way that certainly helped me, but my parents could no longer provide for the types of things I needed. Now I find myself in their shoes where I can only help out a little bit here and there and they are mainly out there on their own. There are no words I can use to help them understand all of this when they are in need, but the resulting guilt I feel is real. I am sure my parents felt the same guilt.

You always want to help your children, but you also need to live your own life at the same time. The only way they will learn and understand how to get through life’s challenges is to experience them and take them on for themselves. It is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as a parent. Financially, I am not prepared for this stage of life and I never expected it would be this hard either. I had a major rough patch financially in my life about 9 years ago where I had to declare bankruptcy. Having to do this in my forties was a major roadblock for my future that reset everything I had ever saved back to square one. No early retirement for this jabronie, I will have to work as long as I possibly can in order to survive my retirement days.

How do you explain this to your kids? They have turned to me for everything they’ve ever needed in life and now I just simply cannot help them. I can only hope I taught them enough about how to figure things out for themselves. I can offer emotional support and some advice regarding how to navigate problems they encounter, but they’re going to have to make it on their own like I did.

How do I explain to myself that this is the way it is? How do I not feel this parental guilt that no one ever warned me about? Would things be any different had I not moved so far away from them? No. It wouldn’t be any different at all. I have to remind myself internally of this a lot. I have to remember this is the time of their lives to learn how to live life on their own two feet and struggling is going to be a part of it. I have to remember that I also deserve to do the things I am able to because I work my ass of to have what I have. This transition from being the providing parent, to just being “Dad” is insanely difficult. If that makes sense.

Becoming a parent was hard. Being a parent was hard. Becoming a parental observer and letting your children fly on their own is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.